Não tenho nada mais que dizer nisso. Me tá mentindo. Tenho certeza desse fato. Me tá dizendo sem contrações, vom muitas palavras bonitas e embellisadas, e a linea do tempo do que aconteceu não é certo nem tem razão. Também, ele foi muito relevado ao fim da discussão, e não me sororeseria muito se nunca dizer mas sobre isso. Mentiroso, mentiroso…
I named it that because this is the evidence, but not what I believe. Also, as a cause to emotional furor, many of the things listed may only be half truths. Take it with a grain of salt, the whole three of you that will read it.
Late April Sometime, at tim’s grandma’s house:
I just feel like everyone is so judgmental and everyone is constantly just making pointed remarks. I think I’m a little paranoid, so probably not all of it is true (which i think mainly because i feel like kelly is mocking me), but I can’t help it. I just feel like absolute shit and I want everyone to leave.
Like they’re talking about juicing things and Guyton and Lisa are just acting so excited but they sound bored as shit, it doesn’t match. I don’t know.
They always just sound do bored with their conversation with either Tim or I, and then they act like they’re into it but they sound like they just want to leave, and find every reason to do so. They’re leaving because Lisa’s laundry will apparently wrinkle if she isn’t there as soon as its done. And then they’re just …so many pointed remarks. So many.
“Who thinks going to work drunk is going to be fun?” And Tim just loves them…does he not see it, or am I crazy?
“I never went to high school drunk. Like all my friends did”
” me neither cos that’s fucking stupid”
Like that just doesn’t even look nice. I don’t know. And he’s acting all grumpy and I don’t know why. I just need to stop.
“Bye Tim ill visit you in jail”
and he thinks no one noticed he was drunk at work, but tressi obviously knew… I’m just concerned. He also drinks a lot, and seems to be okay with it, which worries me.
“Thank god I’m usually anxious otherwise this wouldn’t be an excuse”
And he looks at me. Maybe that’s a stretch. I just feel attacked and paranoid and I just want to fucking leave. This is why I dislike these guys.
And everyone keeps asking me how my finger is. Still broken, what are you trying to find out? How would it be magically better? And while Tims in the room. Agnisvkcsuckcarvifb.
Maybe they just have no inflection in their voices ever. I don’t know. I feel like they’re just being passively rude.
This is ongoing…
“I hate these dead fixes”
“Yeah they’re creepy; I’m not really a fan of that; They’re like human centipede together… It’s cruel”
Pointed remarks, jumping on negativity and expanding on it, ignoring the positive and acting bored about it… Meeeeeh
5 may 2013; very early morning
Não posso fazer lagrimas se tem gente ao meu redor, porque e isso?
5 May 2013; 5-8pm
I kind of feel like I only care about myself. A lot. Basically the only reason I wanted Natalie to join us today was so I could get her phone & my laptop. I feel like such a dick. Should I have not asked, or should I not even think that way… This is my question.
I seem to have very little care for either of them. And I don’t really understand it. Like, I care about Kelly. Or… Do I just use her to not be alone? Maybe I don’t really care about anyone, that’s how it feels. I just use them for what they can give me. Sociopath?
[No, I’m not a sociopath. I do care about them, I just have problems expressing it because I often put myself first without realising it; For example, Kelly and I have conversations, so it’s not me using her nor is it her using me; and as for the phone, I definitely shouldn’t have been so pushy about it, and if Tim couldn’t understand that Natalie had the phone all day, I would have had nothing to do about it. It was selfish of me to ask her to come to campus solely because I wanted to use her phone, and that’s why I didn’t push it and I felt so bad about it and wrote this.]
I think Tim is. And I think nat is a narcissist. Guyton I don’t believe. Sam, I think a narcissist. Actually, definitely a narcissist. Kelly and cal are, I believe, depressed and possibly also manipulated. Maybe that’s why we don’t talk.
[Update: I believe Tim has narcisisstic tendencies due to the way he perceives the world, authority…due to his ” indigo child” nature, but I don’t believe he actually is. Many of the excuses I had used to justify this were just that: justifications. Ways to run from trying to make somethying better that i knew would be very difficult. Also, As for Natalie and Sam: I still believe Sam might be a narcisisst, and I still believe Nat may have narcissistic tendencies, like Tim, but I believe that, in her case, it also has a lot to do with the things she’s been through not only in the last few months, but also in her earlier life as well. She does sometimes isolate and think of herself, but not because she’s a narcissist, simply because she needs to reflect on herself and that’s how she goes about it. Sometimes, she, like me, needs to isolate for awhile, or talk it out with others.]
I think Sarah is also a sociopath.
Do I attract people who manipulate, am I easy to manipulate, or am I the manipulator? Maybe it’s a combination. I don’t know what’s real anymore.
I’m very confused. I’m very lost. I don’t trust anyone, not even myself. That’s why I won’t accept when someone tries to tell me I’m being manipulated. I feel like they’re manipulating me too. I think I might be permanently damaged.
I’m scared ill never be able to function normally, healthily, happily.
I think I’m already too fucked up.
Trust issues doesn’t begin to cover it.
Kelly and Shirley are the closest. But right now I still wonder if maybe they’re in some way using me too. But I don’t believe so, they don’t go out of their way to find me and don’t usually make me feel bad. Guyton, Natalie, Tim, and Sam all make me feel bad. My mother too, but I believe for different reasons. I’m not afraid of her. [I’m only afraid of losing Tim, being taken advantage of for my own stupidity by any of them, or looking bad in Sam or Guyton’s eyes. I love them all, however. Well. Sam is iffy currently. I don’t know how I feel about her still]
I don’t know how to care about them. Maybe this is why. And I care so much about Tim, but is it real or the same obsession I’ve always had with relationships? I don’t know if I’ve had a relationship in which I haven’t been obsessed. I’m wearing his clothes. I have been for a week. I basically stalked Hiram in high school, I wouldn’t give shawn five minutes to himself, and I think I manipulated Tom into saying he lived me, and wouldn’t let it go. I get depressed when they’re not here. I’m obsessive. Perhaps even, what is it called. Dependent, yes, on being loved. It’s called… Fear of being left. Fear of being alone. What babies do when their mum leaves them. Separation anxiety. I think I’ve hot that too.
But what’s real. These feel real. But maybe tomorrow they won’t. Which feelings are true and which are lies I feed myself? It’s such a mixture that I can’t tell anymore. I can’t tell how I think, what I want, or how I feel. I’ve lost myself entirely in these people, who appear to be dragging be down. It’s what I always do. I obsess. Over everything. I obsess over these people, why they don’t like me, what’s wrong with me, what’s wrong with them, who go I fix, how do I do it, am I doing well enough. Am I perfect, am I right. I want to say I pour myself into them and lose myself in the process, because it feels true, but that denotes I care about them which I can’t tell if I do or not. I feel like I’m a doormat. For everyone. Because I am. And I let them do it so ill have someone to call my friend, and obsess over, helping, fixing, curing and making better, and feel like shit when I don’t do that. Everyone knows there’s something wrong with me. They can all sense it. It’s why many people avoid me. The ones who don’t are either like me, or they manipulate me. And because I’m do afraid ill be alone, I obsess. I make them stay. I get jealous and irrational. I freak out. I let them use me, I use them back, and I run from everything and believe nothing. And that’s why, when things start to suck, I withdraw. Because alive is the only time I can be myself without obsessing over whatsobeobe wants thinks or needs, or over how I’m failing them by doing what I need. Then I rise myself for being selfish and I make myself feel like shit. I cause my unhappiness by staying around these people because they’re all I have. They’re all I know. And I don’t believe in either my abilities to make friends or my worth as a human being, as a friend. And I don’t trust anyone. Even myself. Mostly myself. I trust myself least. And so I get used. And I feel like shit. And I think everyone hates me, and I hate myself. I’m shot.
[I’m not shit. I’m not broken. I’m having a hard time, and I got carried away by these diagnoses and used them as crutches to escape dealing with my problems with my friends and close acquaintances.]
Apparently: If you agree with 7 of the following 9 statements you are probably in love.
You know, because you have been told by your significant other, that your deep feelings are returned in kind.
1/2. I think because I’ve been told, but I don’t fully feel it.
The object of your affections makes you feel special and good about yourself.
1/2; he knows how to make me feel special and good, but also is good at making me feel horrible and bad, depending on how it will turn out for him. Sex tonight? I’ll make you feel good. Someone to sleep with? I’ll make you feel good. I need money? Feel good. You’re thinking I’m a bad person? Feel bad. You’re trying to leave me? Feel bad. You’re doing something I don’t like or agree with? Feel bad.
If/when you feel jealous it is always fleeting; you trust your partner not to betray you or hurt your relationship.
0. Never fleeting.
Nothing makes you feel as serene as when you and your partner are together.
1/2. Only during the good parts; only when he’s asleep.
When you fight with your partner you usually make up within a few hours and you always agree that nothing is more important than you both being able to express your true feelings (even if they sometimes cause conflict).
Your partner never asks you to choose between him/her and your loyalties to your family and friends - if you do choose him/her over them you always have a good reason and it is always YOUR decision, and your decision alone.
Neither you nor your partner feel the need to test the other’s loyalties or feelings.
You are more yourself when with your partner than you are with anybody else.
I can’t even number this. I guess 0. I don’t know who “myself” is really.
If sex is part of your relationship it is by mutual desire and agreement without the slightest hint of commitment testing or persuasion.
0. False. Always.
If that were a test, it’s a 28%. Roughly.
Sociopath tendencies and behaviours:
1. Unlawful Behavior
He’s in jail, so check.
not to mention:
Drugs, drugs, drugs, alcohol, pot, stealing, breaking and entering, transporting cocaine, drug trafficking, etc.
Most of this also began around the age of 13.
Hasn’t stopped yet.
Proud of me for stealing
Proud of me for doing drugs
Doesn’t like people who choose not to do drugs
very against the law (basically, things that keep him from doing what he wants)
very against all kinds of authority figures.
“My name’s Kurt Matthisen”
“I put my name down as Terry Corr”
“I didn’t get a chance to tell you”
“I’m going on a walk”
“There were a few times I didn’t tell you about”
“Tell them we were outside”
“I’ll just tell her you weren’t here and I wasn’t in the building”
Ran away from the cops.
ran away from home. Several times.
Cheated on me.
Lies to people in front of my face, then tells me he doesnt lie to me.
Told me he holds integrity above everything.
Told me “I’d rather be hurt by the truth than cushioned by a lie”
-gets angry when I lie
-gets angry when I tell the truth and it’s not what he wants to hear
-tries to change my mind
-lies to others blatantly.
Is known differently to many people.
Charming on the outside. Very charming. Very socially adept, and admittedly so. Good with words.
Basically, seductive, manipulative, and intelligent beyond belief.
Ran away from the cops
Ran away from home. Several times.
Put himself into foster care.
Began selling crack randomly.
Has admitted to acting on every whim he has.
even if they’re dangerous.
fights. we’ve had about 1000 of them.
Pushing, pulling, dragging, carrying, detaining.
-how do you think my finger got broken
Coercive and forceful
5. Reckless Disregard
Window @ beginning of year
pot at beginning of last semester
no respect for others’ property (what’s mine is mine, and what’s yours is also mine)
Never been at a job more than maybe two months. Admittedly.
Frequently late. For everything.
Never pays back debt (and continues to loan)
It was your fault I was late
It was your fault I cheated (“I forgot we were open, and im so used to going out and doing that when you hurt me”)
It was your fault I was angry
It was your fault your finger was broken
It’s mom’s fault I’m fucked up
It’s dad’s fault I’m homeless
It’s tashina’s fault I smoke
It’s the world’s fault I’m a criminal
It’s her fault she feels disrespected
It’s your fault you feel disrespected
It’s her fault I got DPS called on me
I think that’s enough. Trend. Survey Says: Nothing is ever his fault.
7. Lack of Remorse
See the above list of “It’s not my fault”
She is scared and alone? She might be telling the truth? Oh well. I did what was right.
I hurt you? Oh well. It was right (in about 20000000000 cases)
I cheated? Oh well, I love you and excuse excuse excuse and I was right.
Oh you feel bad? It’s your fault, I’m right.
Sister might potentially have cancer? She lied a lot so I just don’t care.
Mom is trying to right her wrongs? I don’t care.
and now, some extra things that I can’t find a place for:
You had a bad day? Been doing shit for 15 hours straight? “Rub my feet.” I worked three hours. “Will you do me next?” “No.”
I don’t want to have sex, i dont like when you try to make me
*tries to make you*
stop. *doesn’t stop. sex happens*
I didn’t get what I wanted? Your fault. I’m angry at you now. Feel bad.
“Sometimes you need to feel bad” “She deserves to feel bad” “You deserve to feel bad” “You should be kissing my ass [since you hurt me]”
oh, you’re arguing with me? I’ll throw in my horrible childhood and the fact that you always try to leave me and nothing you do is ever good enough in your face. you feel bad now? Good, I’m right. I win.
You don’t want to? We’re doing it anyway.
What do you want to do? You never tell me what you want to do.
Oh, well we’re not doing that.
alternatively: Oh, well that’s stupid.
or: Omg, really, can’t we do something else
and then, I say: well you asked what I wanted to do, and that’s it.
come on, can’t we do something we both want?
(didn’t you just say we should do what I want?)
He then goes through many options that I don’t really want, I act indifferent. He gets annoyed and asks why, and I say something along the lines of: Well, i told you what i wanted to do when you asked, but apparently since you dont want to we’re not going to, so what i say obviously doesnt really matter.
he becomes cute and lovey and hugs me and tells me its okay and we should just compromise.
Still not what he originally asked me to do.
“You shouldn’t say you’re sorry if you’re not” why? Because you wouldn’t.
And you don’t say I’m sorry a lot. And when you do, it always just sounds…off. Kind of like when my roommate does.
you’re not. ever. you dont care. as long as you get what you wanted out of it. as long as you come out on top. as long as it goes how you want it to.
“it just irritates me” “I’m just frustrated” “Im not angry at you” “im not actually angry, im just frustrated” “you always make me the bad guy” “Im not the bad guy” “stop painting me the bad guy”
me: yes, i do wrong too. I realise that. I’m sorry. I made a mistake.
Him: (in layman’s terms) yes, you did, you’re right. you were wrong. glad you figured that out and we’re okay now.
But actually: Thanks baby, that’s all I wanted to hear. I’m sorry (fake) that we fought, I didn’t mean to make you angry. I’m glad you figured out what you did and now we can move on from this.
Did I hear: Im sorry, i was wrong too
Im sorry, i fucked up too
No, actually, it was my fault, you didnt do anything this time
I shouldnt have done that
I should work on things for next time too
I figured out what i did wrong as well
i shouldnt have done what i did
i understand why you were upset/angry/hurt
No. He wins. Always.
and people wonder why i don’t talk about my insecurities, my problems, my thoughts and feelings. its people like this. that’s why.
my sources for these questions and the basis of these arguments.
If unsound, i’d like to be notified…but I’m definitely going to ask a professional.
“there’s nowhere to place blame”
-blame need not be placed just because the relationship ended.
“is this a rebound?”
who fucking cares. Just do it. Let them know you’re reeling from a breakup and just go for it.
“I need her”
no you dont
“this is only my second real relationship”
“the universe is a bad guy”
NO!! THIS SHIT HAPPENS. PEOPLE BREAK UP. NO-ONE IS SHITTING ON YOU. IT’S NO-ONE’S FAULT. SHIT LIKE THIS HAPPENS. FUCKING DEAL WITH IT AND MOVE ON. Stop acting like your world just ended! I know you loved her, but if you loved her as much as you say, and she doesn’t wanna be with you, you’d let her go and move on so you can BOTH BE HAPPY WITHOUT ONE ANOTHER. Stop trying to get back with her, stop focusing on the fact that you’re single, STOP THINKING ABOUT IT SO MUCH.
|Brain:||Wow, I didn't realised how much we missed Shawn. He's so cute and funny and intelligent. and he misses us, too.|
|Heart:||I wish we could get back with him. But all I can think about right now is Timmy, all alone in jail. All I can think about is holding him and feeling his heart speaking to me.|
|Brain:||Heart, do you think we could do them both?|
|Heart:||No, Brain. I think we would have to choose. And you know which one has been there for us. You know which one has made me feel and stimulated you, and which one has fought for us. And you know the two of them would never agree on it.|
|Brain:||Can I still think about him?|
|Heart:||Better you didn't. You'll just end up tearing yourself in two directions for no reason. You know which one we love more. You know which one really loves us back.|
|Brain:||You're right. Standing up mud.|
Nem quero estar sozinho
nem quero estar numa relação
nem quero viver.
acho que me faz um bebé. E talvez fax sim.
Mas não me importa
é tão difícil viver.
e não quero mais.
eu tento a dizer isso aos meus amigos;
ao meu namorado
mas eles se sentem magoado (demais)…
porque “têm carinho por mim” (não, sei que têm, mas não entendo nem um pouquinho).
eu não tenho carinho por mim.
porque algumo pessoa outra vai ter.
não quero mais. É tão difícil viver. Tentar
E sempre me sento mal; porque seguir com a vida?
I don’t love him, as he sees it. Because I doubt, that means I don’t love him.
Well, doubt is a human emotion. I’m sorry I’m not an indigo child like you… #LowBlowBecauseI’mHurt. Seriously, though, I don’t understand. He doubts me all the time, too; He tells me he’s afraid for me to leave him for a fucking week because I might come back. Does he not realise that all his doubt for me just makes me doubt him even more? Just pushes me away, because why do I want to be with someone who’s so afraid to let me out of their sight? I feel like a doll in this way. Not to mention, on the lines of this Indigo Child thing, I always feel like he thinks he’s better than me. Maybe it’s just because I think he is, so I won’t chalk that up to anything evidential, but he seems to feel that way about everything. You know, Indigo Child. Entitled. And I don’t blame him; everyone is entitled to their own way of life, he has a right to feel that way…but when it infringes on other people’s rights to live, that’s when I get pissed off. You can say “I won’t let you do this to me”, but not “I won’t let you do this by me”. The latter, in my opinion, is an overstepping of your bounds. If you know only that you exist, and nothing else, then what would be the point of telling someone else how you believe they should live? Obviously, you can neither know a) if it will work b) if it should work c) if they’re real, and for that matter d) if it would matter if they changed. Along with a hell of a ton of more things that those four imply. So why interfere? Perhaps he doesn’t mean to be pushy, he just comes off that way because of his aggressively-sure way of understanding himself and his own beliefs. I don’t know.
And then he says “and he’s still such a child”. What does that mean? In what way; socially? Yes, perhaps. But I’m not alone. You throw a fit every time I leave unexpectedly (#anotherlowblow, dammit), you freak out when people leave you, you have mother and father issues, control issues, and you can’t seem to grasp the concept of respect or authority (regardless of how little you believe in them, they do exist and you can’t COMPLETELY ignore them…think of it as manipulating authority. That’s what I do. I’m not listening to them, fuck that. I do what I want. But I understand that, to get anywhere, I have to do what they say. Maybe it’s letting them use me. But that all depends on how I go once I get where I’m aiming, doesn’t it? Doesn’t the student surpass the master? and I’m still just a student, so don’t write me off so quickly. This is what bothers me so much; how little faith he has in me as a person. He doubts not only my intelligence, my philosophical potential, my social ability, but also my ability to further myself as a human being, and seems (to me, at least) to believe he’s the only way I’m ever going to become a better person. I don’t understand this at all. He also acts like he’s the only one who seeks true knowledge. Like I didn’t become agnostic at age 11, or begin theorising about the universe and creation at twelve. Like I didn’t decide that I was mud when I was fourteen,and realised that socrates was right: I know only that I do not know. He assumes I know so little, I achieve so little, I do so little. It frustrates me how little faith he has in my intelligence and my ability to be a civilised human being. He doesn’t seem to understand that he’s the only one I usually act like this with. How many people have I really blown up on in my life? Tim, Natalie.
Just those two. And I believe it only happened twice to Natalie: Once when I was high, and the other when…I was high.
And he wonders why I’ve stopped smoking, and why I don’t like drugs. To him, they’re the awakening to his spirit. I feel connected to the earth, transcendental and at one with everything that is, was, and ever will or could be. To me, smoking is such a harm to my body, such a mindless riddling of my brain. I hate being on this medication. I feel as though it helps me, but I don’t feel like I have my own brain anymore. I feel like I have adderall’s brain, like it’s diong all the thinking for me. I have no room for philosophy or thought anymore, just work and organisation.
And he doesn’t get that. He doesn’t get anything, and yet chastises me for my inability to understand his truth, when in reality there IS no truth. Just because he assumes that it is so, or that is how it should work, doesn’t mean that’s true to everyone. Sure, maybe his truth is absolute truth. But his truth isn’t my truth, and regardless of if I’m going down the wrong path, he has no right, in my opinion, to demoralise anyone on the basis of their truth, for everyone must live their life by the path their soul sees most fitting and apt. If I were to disregard my truth, that would be the same as him disregarding his own; just as morally heinous and subjectively disgusting to me as it would be to him. I don’t understand why he fails to see these parallels between his thoguhts and those of other people’s; this is why I say that he’s sympathetic, not empathetic. He knows how and why people feel the way they do, and even knows how to bring forth the feelings, but he doesn’t understand their core. Or perhaps he does, I realise it’s very pretentious of me to state things in absolutes like that. Perhaps it would be better phrased “By the way that he acts and the thigns that he says, it seems very unlikely to me that he truly understands how other people’s emotions work”. However, again that’s assuming that I do understand, which I can’t say I do. This area, then, is completely grey and very unavoidably messy to tread through, and so I’ll go back.
I’m a child, as he says.
I do’nt understand what his parameters are for that definition.
I am on my way to being more than self-sustainable, I know how to work all the thigns in my life to help me, and my IQ is, in my opinion, high enough that I could adapt if need be. Most of the time, I am perfectly fine in social situations. I, like everyone else, have my insecurities, and my bad days. Mine tend to be a little worse than some people’s, but that doesn’t mean I’m a child just beecause I’m insecure and have social anxiety. That would be like me saying that, because he’s afraid I’mgoing to leave him, that everyone’s giong to leave him, and that nothign is ever going to get better (note: insecurity and generalised anxiety/panic disorder), I’m saying he’s a child. That’s ridiculous; as if we as human beings aren’t allowed to have fears. I understand he’s much more fearless, in many ways, than a lot of people I know. I see this. But he has fears, even if he dsoesn’t “feel” them as strongly as he believes he should. But it’s all just perception. He perceives me as a child, and I honestly believe this, because I don’t live up to what his definition of an “adult” is; namely, someone who has learned how to deal with many of their demons, who can get through life satisfactorily and without much effort, and who is constantly working towards being a better person. I qualify, I believe, two of those; the former I am on my way towards, and a helluva lot closer than when he met me two years ago.
But caling me a chld based on that would be like calling a third-world country “uncivilised”; to metaphorically cite my anthropology class, one cannot judge a culture through the eyes of another culture. Perhaps better put, using language as an example… you can’t learn a language and say you’re fluent; fluency can only be determined by a native speaker, much the same as “native” speech is somethign completely unattainable by means of post-prepubescent (post-toddler-stage [very intelligent word], really) learning. It’s ethnocentric to say that a third world country is uncivilised through the glasses of a first-world country (even the terms are presumptuous), and I feel like, as A=B, B=C, so must A=C, this means I can say, withotu fear of non-sequiter argument, that it’s also presumptuous to assume that, because my definition of a phrase, lifestyle, or morality isn’t the same as your own, that I’m not, in my own right, an adult.
Large brutally honest paragraph incoming:
If this were true, you would be infantile by my own descriptions; you can’t seem to hold a steady job, pay any bills, sustain yourself without the help of another human being. You lack the ability to put your beliefs and morals aside in order to discuss something with someone else, instead insisting irritatedly that your way of thinking is correct, and, like the politician you almost were, claim that they should listen to you, because you are the one who makes sense. And you refuse to even allow the possibility of other’s ideas or beliefs in. In this way, you’re very close-minded. And I don’t care how much you’d argue that fact. You are. If it’s not in some way related to how you believe or what you feel, I don’t believe you’d accept it as true or close to true, instead completely disregarding it’s existence. I try my best to never disregard anything, because my personal motto is that same phrase I’m going back to…scio nihil scire. I am truly wise, for I know only that I know nothing.
It’s a sentence that goes back on itself. Because I know that I cannot truly “know” anything, I accept the possibility of anything. Are there ghosts? maybe, I don’t know. I nhaven’t seen one, but I haven’t seen a dolphin either, does that mean they don’t exist?
I’m just very frustrated at the moment. He can never seem to understand how much it bothers me. I’ve told him I feel less than him, and he assures me I’m not. He assures me I’m a beautiful human being, a glroious person…and then continues on to say all the things that, according to his philosophy, are wrong with me (though I admit that he never says “wrong”), and then tells me that I could be a better me if I chagned them. He doesn’t understnad that I don’t want someone to fix me. I don’t want to be fixed, just like I know he doesn’t want to be fixed. THat’s why he hates it when I talk to him about sex or drugs; that’s how he feels and he feels like I’m trying to hcange who he is. I feel like that all the time, like because I’m not living up to his beliefs, I’m not good enough. Like, because I’m trying to make money so I can support myself in the future, sacrificing little bits of my integrity and happiness so that, in the future, I can be continually happy, I’m less than him, because he is integral and good. Because he knows how he feels and what he should do, and he does it all the time. Like, just because I’m afraid of smoething, even if it’s a lot of things, that makes me bad. It makes me weak that I can’t stand up to my fears (excuse me, that I DON’T stand up to them), and yet he won’t stand up to any of his either. Perhaps it is irrational and ridiculous to believe that I’m hated by everyone, even dilusional, but I won’t, I don’t see the difference between my irrational fear of social situations and his irrational fear of, say, insects. Being in a bathroom alone. If he can get through his life doing these continously, on what ground can he tell me I’m a bad person for not standing up to my fears? He would say, “because mine don’t hinder me any in life”. All fear is a hindrance, TImothy. All fear is a hindrance. Perhaps your hindrances aren’t as large as mine, but your soul is eaten up by that fear, regardless of why. Regardless of how often it happens, how much it affects you, and how much you see it. Your soul has a tainted patch on it because of that fear that your humanoid form allows to infect you, to corrupt you, just as mine does. And I don’t believe that your soul is in aany way better or worse than mine, nor your mind. I belive that you understand how to deal with people more effectively than me, and that you are much better at quick thinking and strategy and problem solving. However, I believe I’m much better at planning, organisation, empathy, and sustainability. I know how to cook for myself, to make myself get out of bed and make food, I’m better at handling money than you (not by much, though), and I sometimes feel like I’m trying much harder than you to curb my unhealthy dependecnes and addictions, whereas, to me, it seems like you cling to yours. We all have crutches, so I cna’t blame you for that, it’s where you are. It just pisses me off when I feel like I’m not good enough for you because I don’t hink how you do. I feel like, to you, all of my thoughts, feelings, and beliefs are invalid because they either don’t align with YOURS, don’t make sense to YOU, or don’t put me where YOU think I should be heading. You say you’re trying to help me be a better me…for me. But I feel like you’re trying to make me a better boyfriend for you, without realising it, much like I often do to you. And I know you can understand how frustrating that is.
I just realised how this conversation went form “he he he” (writing to Natalie), to “you you you” (writing to Timothy).
So much frustration all at once. I never knew I thought these things so strongly.
He wonders also why I don’t like coming to see him, and says it’s because I don’t love him…he assumes, also, that love must be shown in the way he expects it. I’m learning that he shows his love differently than me…slwoly, yes. But I am. I feel like he’s not learning that…but then again, I dlon’t know that, because I can’t see through his eyes. I can’t make any judgments based on how he’s acting, or say what he should do…which is hard for me, and I know it’s hipocritical to say he should do what I have a hard time with. So I’d like to make it clear, to anyone reading this and to my subconsiuos, who’s logging it away to memory, that I do not say this because I feel he should change, or he is wrong. I say this because this is how his actions, thoughts, and words make me feel, and these are the problems I beieve we are having. Although I’m open to any discussion that says otherwise.
and I know it’s selfish of me to want to leave so frequently. I udnerstand that completely, and I know it is. It’s just very hard for me to say somewhere where I don’t feel any of my thoughts, feelings, words, or actions are respected as true, legitimate, or valid. I feel like I must want to be around him all the time, and obviously, if I want to go home, or stay home, or go abroad, that means I will not hurt, yearn, or desire him. That means, of course…I do not love him. And that is a presumptuous statement, assuming my love is conditional on being near him. Hell, I think it’s even presumptuous, and highly so, of him to think that, because I’ve tried to leave him, I do not love him. Because, clearly, those to things cannot go hand-in-hand; if you love someone, regardless of anything, you have to stay around them. I don’t believe love has those bounds at all. I believe I can be worlds away, years away, dimensions, centuries, yards, feet, inches, millimeters. We can be together or not, speak to each other or ignore one another. That doesn’t stop me from loving him. And he would say, “well if you loved me enough, you wouldn’t let that get in the way” except he fails to realise one thing: I’m all that I know is true. And therefore, althoguh I love him and will, unconditional of whether or not I’m with him, if I believe I would be better served to live without him, I don’t feel like I should be chastised for that, or that it should be assumed that I don’t care about him and want what’s best for him, either in his eyes or my own. Because I am not completely self-sacrificing, I’m not actually in love. And I don’t believe that’s true. I believe there’s a medium to every ground…if I love him and he loves me, but neither of us are happy, to me it seems like being apart might be best. Does that mean we can’t talk, cuddle, see each other, love each other? No…not at all. does that mean I don’t care about him? No. Do my mistakes, my forthcomings, my false ideals or imperfect thoughts mean that I don’t care about him; my inabilites to get over my own demons or fears? No, not at all. If Timothy were trapped in a room with a gaint spider guarding the door, and I were dying on the floor in the other room, I would not blame him one single bit if his fear of that spider were too paralysing to keep him from saving me. And I wouldn’t think any less of his love for me. Again, I don’t want it to seem like I’m presuming that he’s a bad or wrong person because it seems to ME that he does this, because that’s only my perception on the matter. I’m simply stating that I feel like he’s presuming that my love for him is not good enough unless it does what he says it must do. And that, in all honesty, is why I’ve tried to leave so much.
I’ve never felt that my love, my brain, my mind, my actions are good enough for him. Perhaps, actually, I should rephrase that. I believe that, Tim doesn’t fully appreciate the way that the mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical manifestations of my soul align, and perhaps I don’t appreciate his either. I feel that he doesn’t accept that my love is what he believes love should be, and therefore that must of course mean that I do not love him.
And, because I cannot think the same way he does, I am clearly not as intelligent as him.
Because I can’t do the thigns he does, I am clearly weaker than him.
Because I cannot connect with people the same way or on the same level as him, I am not a social person.
Because I don’t see the world how he does, I am “them”.
So be it.
You can call me them.
But know this
I am myself
and that is who I am.
Regardless of what group you believe I belong to,
How you think I feel, act, or believe is valid,
Or if you think I’m a beautiful person for the reasons I believe you should (presumptuous statement),
I still think I am a beautiful person. It’s hard to say, it’s hard to believe. But I love the way I see things and the way I take the world in; I love my knowledge, my abilities, my practice, and my chosen career and life…and I feel very downtrodden every time you tell me “You shouldn’t go to Jordan”; “I don’t know why you need that, you can just go over the summer”; “Just stay with me one more day”; “I love you more” (because you do mean it); “you’ve tried to leave me so many times, how should I believe you love me”; “you let all these tiny thigns get in the way; you make moutnains out of molehills”. etc etc etc.
In my world, some of these things that would to you be molehills are, to me, mountains. Just as some of my molehills are mountains for you. Don’t presume, please, that because I’m not doing things how you see fit or how you see right or I’m not acting how you believe an adult should, that I’m NOT an adult, and not capable of doing things. I am a human being, a twenty-year-old male. I have problems, I have strengths; I have power, I have weaknesses. I am, like you and everyone else on this planet, a human being. No better, no worse. No less able, no more adept. No less intelligent, no more useful. I am what I am. And regardless of how you feel I should be, or how I feel I should be, blah blah blah, that’s never going to change. I’m socially inept, I’m intelligent, I’m talktative, I’m friendly, I’m pensive. I’m me. And I’m not you. And I will never be.
and that’s not a lie
I want to be with you
but I don’t think you’re ever going to change
and I don’t know where to go from here.
I feel kind of link I’m not taking Tim being gone as hard as I should, like Natalie is crying and Guyton is sad and like I’m just okay and not stressed or worried and like doing shot and getting things done. And like I miss the guck out of him but I feel like I don’t feel it and I don’t know what to do. Why don’t I feel it. Only sometimes. Is it a defence mechanism? Am I like ignoring missing him or do I just not really care that much? Is it okay for me to seem happy? To be rather happy? Even though I ache for him?
And I’m still just not a good friend. Like just Kelly and Tim, why don’t I seem to be able to care about / help anyone else as much as I can for them? Do I not care… Or do I care differently. Is it okay to care this way? Is it because I’m in my head… I don’t know what to do.
Is it okay that I like… Recycle things from past relationships?
That I still really love talking to shawn?
Maybe I can’t love… Maybe?
I don’t know what I think is right.
I don’t know if I’m a good person by my own standards.
I still don’t really like being around them. I still don’t know why.
I’m so confused.
Maybe no one knows if they’re doing right. Maybe I do more than I see. It just seems like everyone else is so much better at this life thing than I am. They all just know what to do and they’re good friends and they care and they’re going for what they want and doing what’s right. And I’m just not. Doing any of this. I’m just failing do hard. School is all I’m good at and I’m doing badly there. I mean its because I’m juggling things I guess. I’m not used to relationships. I don’t know what to do. I don’t understand if I can people or not.
Lord knows fear permeates my life. I fucked up my relationship because of it. I left scars that may never go away. And I feel like that’s all I do is try to be right and guck up and end up making everything worse. Maybe it’s just because I only remember the bad. People remember when you mess up, but the good things go unnoticed. Maybe I apply that to myself too.
I’m going to start writing down the good things. Smile more, like timmy said almost a year ago. Enjoy myself. Love myself. Not be afraid to love someone else
Maybe that’s it. Maybe I’m afraid to care. I mean, it never got me anywhere before but hurt and more hurt. Maybe it’s worth it? How do I tell my subconscious that though. How do I let it know that failing, hurting, fucking up is okay, it’s the learning. It’s what makes the experience of life. Sitting up mud. How do I tell it that?
God. And I doubt myself. I doubt that he and I should be. Our philosophy is like exactly the same, our morals sbd our desires, our basic needs… We just carry them out differently. I let outside influences in too much, he doesn’t let them on enough. We need to pull each other to the mean, find our golden middle.
Fuck I miss him.
El día es maravilloso, es la primavera, los pájaros pían, las flores brotan, el sol brilla y nos calienta; aún yo estoy aquí, en casa, haciendo posts en este sitio. Sin preocupación con el hecho de que me siento aquí y ni vivo la vida frente a mi. Y no puedo pensar en cualquier otra cosa que él, quién se ha sido cogido de mí tan rápidamente. Joder… es una mierda intentar vivir sin él después de un año consigo y nada más. Es cómo si fuese yo saliendo de la casa de nuevo para estar solo. Sólo yo…
Es difícil. Me ha preso en la rutina de desánimo…que no quiero hacer nada menos hablar consigo los pocos minutitos que se me ha concedido… ;/
the thing that really gets to me isn’t that they’ve done things I haven’t, but that they’ve done it so young.
Yeah, I’ve had sex. but I never had sex in high school. never got naked in front of people, did drugs, got drunk, in high school. This is what makes me feel weird. I still feel weird about other people seeing me naked, the rest of it I’m getting there. But I don’t know how they did this stuff in high school. Is my self-esteem really that low? Or did they just make choices to do very dangerous things at a very early age?
Also, is it bad that I don’t want to have sex with other people because I love my boyfriend, but i still want to? That doesn’t make sense. I want to have sex with other people, but I know i want to be with Tim, and I don’t like the idea of doing the two together. I don’t know how I could do it…how I could have sex with someone else and enjoy it while I know that i want to be in a relationship with Timothy and I want him to be the one I do all the best thigns with, but I don’t want it to be just him. It’s like my penis is fighting my heart. I don’t know what to do.
Sólo me hace daño porque le das todo y no me das nada sin luchar conmigo.
y que me siento como no tienes confianza en mis habilidades.